Normal Service Will Be Resumed As Soon As Possible...

I'm still here, dear reader(s). 


Circumstances both within and without my control have conspired to block in turns, my blogging desire and ability in the last two weeks or so. It's scary how much I rely on technology.


I was already at boiling point at the end of April but ... by May Day Bank Holiday Monday I had an absolute mental meltdown. 


The long weekend would, I had promised myself, be an oasis of calm . Boys out doing petrol head stuff at Brands Hatch. Teen at on/off/on/off (like a bloody light switch) boyfriend's house. Just ME at home. 


Somehow it didnt work out like that. I got myself into a right - as we say in these parts- two and eight. 


Everything seemed hopeless. I felt more alone than I can put into words. When you are deeply darkly unhappy it isn't fun or interesting to even long standing friends and I say that with no blame to anyone; it is boring.Who wants to be around someone who cries all the time and takes no pleasure in anything? I don't like myself when I'm that way , why should anyone else ? 


By the evening the Monday bank holiday I had pretty much lost the plot.
I looked back at Twitter to see what nonsense I had been sending out in cyberspace but really only found this:

what is like to feel normal ? answers on a postcard please, as they used to say. so tired of being in this endless lost world of worry :-(

To those who responded to me with virtual hugs - you know who you are - I am very very grateful. I have an involuntary tendency to push people away. Psycho babble would suggest it's a fear of getting hurt. It's also quite lonely at times. I'm rarely alone, I love being on my own, but when things descend into loneliness it's no fun.


Coupled with the very practical worries of day to day living it was all to put it simply,'a bit much'.  


Then on Tuesday morning I booted up the 4 month old fully virus protected Samsung laptop, went on to Twitter to send a message - and was promptly confronted with the Blue Screen of Death. 


Laptop is due out of techy hospital tomorrow so I'll no longer have to use this steam powered yet trusty Acer and I'll be back in business. 


I also broke the iron but let's not get too upset about that one.


As I type , Katie Piper, the model who had acid thrown in her face, is speaking about surviving, and making me feel very small. What she's saying is humbling. You take what life throws at you and you either crumble or you pick up that (albeit deflated) ball and you run with it.


But the odd meltdown on the way is,for me, inevitable.


'Normal' service will be resumed asap.


Thanks for listening.